It is done

After a terrible night’s sleep, we woke up early to return to the Northern Suburbs Memorial Gardens for our 8.30am appointment. I held Cameron’s ashes in my lap the entire way there.

We met with the same lady again. We completed the necessary paperwork for the purchase of the spot that we’d chosen for Cameron and we gave her the details of the wording we wanted inscribed on Cameron’s memorial plaque.

We also handed over Cameron’s ashes.

Who would’ve thought that the first piece of land Rick and I bought would be for the resting place of our son? I was briefly reminded of Abraham’s purchase of the burial plot for Sarah.

It was the moment when I said to the lady that we would put down half the purchase price as the deposit that it fully hit me what it was that we were doing.

Squeezing Rick’s hand, I managed to get through the next ten to fifteen minutes of the final payment and paperwork processing.

We had a few minutes alone during that time and I looked pleafully at Rick, hoping against hope that perhaps there was a tiny, remote chance that this wasn’t truly happening.
He understood my plea and he took my hands, his own face marred with sadness and resignation. He put his forehead on mine before I leant over to kiss him on the cheek. The familiar smell of his face brought me unspeakable comfort.

The lady returned to the room with our receipt and a copy of all the paperwork for us to keep. We shook hands and thanked her for all her help.

As soon as we stepped outside outside, my face started streaming with tears. Rick put his arm around me and we walked to the car in silence as I wept.

It was done.

It was final.

Our son was truly gone.

He had truly left us.

We had even handed his ashes over.

There was no going back now.

Of all the goodbyes we’d said to him – at the hospital last year and at his funeral – somehow this one seemed the most final.

I thought of King David, when he lost his young son: “But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23

No, Cameron was not returning. Rick and I will go to him, but he will not return to us.