If you’ve just lost a baby….

This is an edited version of a ‘letter’ that I recently wrote to a friend who’d just lost her baby.

Surround yourself with the people who are able to care for you the way you need to be cared. If all you want is to have someone listen to you talk about your child, then work out which of your friends are able to do that. If all you want is someone to cry with you, then find the ones who are happy to do just that.

Allow yourself to cry. I learnt early on that being able to cry is truly God’s gift to those who are grieving. It is a good antidote. No, it doesn’t change anything but crying brings release in a way that nothing else can.

Allow your husband to cry too. And by this I mean – if he’s spent most of the day caring for you and your family, then try to make time in the evenings when it’s just the two of you and he actually has the time and opportunity to weep if that’s what he needs.

Ask your husband how he is feeling or what he is thinking when you have the chance so that his grief is also given a voice.

If you are up to it, try to write down your feelings. In the early days you will feel like you are being sucked into such a vortex of extreme and insurmountable emotions that it can be rather frightening and crippling. Writing down some of what you feel – it doesn’t have to be articular, coherent or eloquent – will help you to face and cope with some of those emotions. It is soothing and therapeutic in an inexplicable way. This is what I’ve found, anyway.

Don’t feel guilty or bad about not wanting to talk to or see anyone. You have to do what you have to do. People will understand. If they don’t, they will soon learn. You need to protect yourself right now.

If you have other children and you find it hard getting through the day having to look after them while carrying such an enormous grief, perhaps you could arrange for people to come around for a couple of hours each day perhaps to take them to the park to give yourself a chance to sit, to breathe, to hurt, to pray, to cry – whatever it is that you need to do to help you cope with the pain.

Start a memory box (or boxes) for your little one. I have two for Cameron. One of them contains his photos, keepsakes from the hospital, special clothes that were specially for him, the memorial order of service, my pregnancy journal, his baby shower invitation, etc. The other holds all the cards, notes, letters and other expressions of condolences that we have received from people since his death. Both are utterly precious to us and would surely be something we would want to save in case of a fire.

There is an amazing babyloss community online. Lots of blogs written by women and men who have lost little ones. It is amazing how comforting it can be to read someone else’s words because it reminds you that you are not alone and it reassures you that what you are feeling and going through is normal.

Even though people talk about the ‘stages of grief,’ the truth is that there are none. Grief is not linear or finite as that theoretical framework presents at all. A psychologist friend of ours who has lost both his parents agrees is quite adamant about this. So don’t think that you are not ‘coping’ or ‘not doing as you should’ just because your emotions don’t follow what that framework dictates. Plus, there is truly no limit on grief.

Grief will almost always outlast sympathy. It is likely that in a few months, people will start to assume that you are feeling better. When that happens, it will hurt (like you aren’t hurting enough already). Try to have a few close friends around you who you know you can count on in the long weeks and months and years ahead. People who understand that there is no limit on your grief and who will always be happy to weep with you and listen to you.

In years to come, there may even be the occasional person who has actually forgotten about your baby. That will be like a knife to the heart. In the beginning, I got really angry about this, but over the years, I have become more resilient. One of the things I found helpful was to keep talking about Cameron to our friends and family, to never let him be forgotten. He is a part of our family too – so why shouldn’t I talk about him as his mum? Not only does this keep the memory of our children alive, but it teaches people that it’s okay to talk about our children even though they are no longer here. The natural inclination will always be to avoid the topic because people fear they will remind us and make us sad. But the reality is that it’s the silence that hurts. By initiating talking about Cameron, it lets others know it is okay to talk about him and that we actually want them to.

And last of all, even though you will feel incredibly lonely in those darkest hours, remember that you are not alone. There are actually many of us who have been through something similar. I say this not to diminish your loss in any way, but to reassure you that there are others out there who would understand and do understand some of what you are experiencing…

God bless.