A large part of me feels nervous about telling others that we are pregnant again.
Not because I don’t want to share the joy or excitement with them, nor is it because of my anxiety that something will go wrong.
I’m simply scared that people will immediately think that it makes everything ”okay’. That this will somehow heal or erase our pain and sadness over Cameron. That now we can ‘move on’ with our lives and leave the grief and hurt behind.
I am truly scared that some people will think this, and I just pray and hope that they don’t.
Because that would hurt so deeply that I’m not sure I would be able to respond lovingly to them or that I would even want to relate to them any further.
I am particularly worried about those who are meant to be my friends.
How painful would it be for them not to understand?
I want them to, I desperately need them to.
Already in my mind and independent of my will, Cameron’s death has separated my friends into two categories: those who have made the effort to understand our pain and to grieve and mourn with us and those who have not and who have instead tried to ‘gloss over’ the hard stuff. The latter are the ones who only want to ‘be positive’ and try and cheer me up or make me feel better.
But little do they know that that actually hurts and that it only serves to widen the distance between us, because to me, that indicates that they have no desire to share in my grief, my pain, which has become so much a part of me now that to ignore it is simply to deny who I am now as a person.
If I cannot share my grief with them, if they cannot mourn with me, then the question I have is this: can the friendship actually continue in genuine terms?
Sadly, I think the answer is no…