A chronicle of our journey after losing our firstborn
I don’t want this to be real, I desperately don’t want this to be real.
I want Cameron alive, not dead.
I want him to be here, not gone.
I cried so much and so hard tonight. Rick had to keep holding me up in the shower. I felt like I wanted to just collapse in a heap. This grief was just so intense. My cries were so loud I was sure our neighbours below and above us would hear us.
I miss Cameron so much. Rick misses him so much too. We love our little boy and wish desperately that he was here with us. How I desperately want to touch his little hands and feet once more.
I cried tonight before bed and cried last night in bed. Even though it’s been more than three months now, our lamentations continue. Our mourning continues, as does our grief, pain and sadness. It is simply a part of us now.
Christmas inches closer every day. Only a week to go now. I have been dreading Christmas; I have made no secret of that.
For this Christmas should’ve been spent with Cameron but yet we will be facing it without him. But as I reflect upon this now, I realise I have been taking a very selfish and lowly view of Christmas.
Tonight, I held Rick as he cried.
“I want him alive, I want him alive,” he cried as I kissed his tears and hugged him with all my might.
Cameron, how your dad and I both long for you with all our heart and soul.
Today has been a very sad day.
It has been the most relaxing week for us here in Merimbula – our first real break in 2 years. Nonetheless, I am torn between not wanting to leave and return to real life and wanting to go home where there are family and friends around.
Although Rick and I have been together the entire time, we have each felt strangely lonely and isolated here, especially in the evenings when it grows dark and quiet, and the only noises around are the waves and the sounds made by Rick and myself.
The combination of being away from people and the vastness of the living area that we’re occupying has somehow heightened my sense of loss and sadness.
Indeed I have shed many tears this week.